Back to Idaho

My mom, the boys, and I all headed up to Idaho this last week. It was such a special trip, one that I am so grateful we took. It was my first time back since the big move. We got to see both of my grandma's, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. Poor Tiny got sick a day into the stay and made it so we couldn't see everyone I would have liked to so we will have to make it back up there again soon. Here is a quick recap:

01. - 03. Great Grams' apple trees are pretty incredible and perfect for climbing. My mom couldn't resist the temptation and ended up climbing them with Little Guy. I'm pretty sure this makes three generations that have climbed these trees. One reason I love Grams' house so much is all the memories that have been made there. It's the house my mom grew up in and that to me has always been something special to visit.
04. Both of these women will not like that I put this picture on here. If my grandma read my blog I'm sure I'd get a call from her saying "Oh hey, no one wants to see a picture of this old woman on the internet". But I couldn't resist. This was a favorite moment because Grams was showing off her new massager gadget. She always has the coolest latest and greatest things (as seen on TV). I loved our late night chats we had while I was there.
05. Tiny Man found the pistachios and the warrior, both of which have been there since I was his age.
06. - 07. I love each and every one of my three boys. I was so glad we were able to visit Michael's grave right after Memorial day. This was the first time in a long time that I was actually anxious about the visit. I couldn't ever put my thumb on an exact reason why. The cemetery is always so beautiful and happy with all of the flowers, pinwheels and other decorations brought by remembering loved ones. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have that I will see my son again some day.

Running With Angels 5k

Saturday morning started early. It was the day of the 5k and I had major jitters that hit about 5:30 am. I eventually gave up trying to fall back to sleep and just got out of bed. I stretched and ate breakfast as the rest of my family slept. I started worrying about what the day would bring. Would I be able to climb the hills that I hadn't been training for? What if I got a side ache and couldn't run? Would I even be able to finish? Running a 5k hadn't ever been something on my bucket list, but I had a strong desire to finish this one. This one was for Michael. I wanted him to look down on me that day and be proud of his mom. I wanted him to know that I was running for him, proving once again that I would do anything for my children. 

Jer and I put on our matching blue shirts and waited for my brother and his wife to arrive. They were going to drop their two little ones off for my mom to watch. She had driven all the way from St. George to be here to help. We may have been running a 5k that day, but my mom did some marathon babysitting by watching four kids under the age of four. We couldn't have done it without her!

Once they arrived, we got in their car and headed to the gardens. After a slight detour (aka getting lost) we made it to where we were supposed to be just in time to check in and go to the bathroom (the good ol' blue honey bucket!). The race was exhilarating. I couldn't believe just how many people were there. It took a good quarter to half mile before I was able to get into a good rhythm without the worry of running in to someone. I ran along side my sister in law, who was so awesome to come and support us. She is a faster runner than me and helped me keep a good pace. My brother was clear up ahead of us and Jer was just behind him. At one point I started to get a side ache, but worked my way through it. Overall I felt incredible. The run was absolutely gorgeous. It was through the Thanksgiving Point Gardens and the paths were breathtaking. My favorite part was running past the ginormous water fall. I made a mental note to go back there soon so that I could sit and enjoy the beauty of it all. 

During my run I thought of Michael. I thought about our journey through the loss and heartache. I also thought about the many blessings and lessons that have come from it. I wondered if he could see me and if he knew I was doing this crazy thing for him. I felt strength from thinking of him and I know that's what kept pushing me along. I also thought of the other people there and wondered what loved ones they were running for. Occasionally I would see groups of family and friends with matching t-shirts all rallying together for someone they loved. It was touching and I thought of how wonderful all of my family and friends had been during the loss and continue to be.

As I reached mile three, I could see the end in sight. There was a massive upward hill between me and the finish line. How rude is that? Shouldn't it be downhill to the finish line?! It was brutal but I pushed my way up. As I crossed the finish line, I completely and totally pulled a Rocky Balboa (see proof below). It felt amazing and I was so happy to see my husband and brother there waiting for me at the finish line. My dad had helped me set a goal to finish in 30 minutes. I beat that goal and couldn't believe it. 

We drank water, ate bananas and wandered around gathering all the free stuff at the booths for a while (I even got my first massage!). My brother finished second in his age group and 14th overall, which was so awesome. It was such a special time and a wonderful event to have participated in. 

Now I can cross "Run a 5k" off my bucket list. But first I'll have to add it... :)

p.s. Our team came in 4th for the fund raising and I came in 3rd individually. A HUGE thank you to everyone who donated. You guys are all so awesome and we appreciated your support!

Team Baby Michael

Love having this man at my side.

And now, without further ado, I give you.... THE ROCKY BALBOA:

ADRIAN!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day Indeed.

All my life I have been surrounded and influenced by amazing mothers and women. I've looked up to them, learned from them and wanted to be just like them. Ever since I was a little girl all I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom. I'm living the dream people. Too bad the dream is really, really hard. It's the most emotionally, physically and mentally taxing thing I have ever had to do in my life. It is also the most amazing, rewarding and holy thing I have ever done in my life. It's the only job in the world where you can feel exhaustion, frustation, love and joy simultaneously. I know I am so blessed to have been entrusted with these two little men. I am the happiest I have ever been and I know that these little guys (and their daddy) have everything to do with it. Sure, I could have traveled the world, furthered my education, received some corporate full time job but I know that none of that would have made me as happy as I am today with my boys. So, here's to long nights (and days), snotty noses, sleepy hugs, poopy diapers, slobbery kisses, dandelion bouquets, fingerprinted windows, messy countertops and heart melting "I love you too"s.

Happy belated mother's day to all the women in my life. I hope it was a good one.

Joy in the wee hours of the night.

Tiny and I in all our baby fat glory a year and a half ago.

Last night I had a mom night.

Tiny Man had been fighting a fever off and on all day thanks to his stubborn little tooth that is refusing to break through. We put him to bed only to get him out of bed 15 minutes later due to his constant sobs. I snuggled with him for a bit, got him a bottle and laid him back down. He fell asleep off and on but woke up crying every 30 minutes or so. By ten o'clock I was ready for bed. It had been a long day that had started much too early for my liking and my head was ready for the pillow. Just as I turned out the light and curled up in bed I heard another little cry out from Tiny Man. I waited for a bit to see if he would go back to sleep on his own. When he didn't I reluctantly got out of my warm, cozy bed to see if I could calm him.

As I picked him up I noticed he was sopping wet. At first I thought maybe it was because he had wet through his diaper, but when I found his diaper mostly dry I realized it was sweat. The poor guy had an outrageous temperature and was just miserable. After giving him some Tylenol I sat in his rocking chair with his body snuggled up to mine and rocked him to sleep. It wasn't soon after that I started to fall asleep as well. I stood to lay him down in his crib and he woke up crying again (don't you hate it when that happens?!). So I went and got a pillow and a blanket and laid down with him on the couch. I rubbed his back as he whimpered and fell in and out of sleep.

While we laid there my mind couldn't help but flashback to when he was a newborn. I spent countless nights sleeping in his rocking chair or on the couch with him. Back then he struggled with both acid reflux and colic, which made for some very long days and even longer nights. He constantly had to be held and it was a blessed day when he allowed me to put him the Bjorn so that I finally had two arms to get things done. I remember that time being terribly exhausting, but I also remember often thinking "at least he is here with me and I can hold him in my arms and comfort him". Something I hadn't been able to do for Michael. It didn't make the situation any easier or any less exhausting, but it did give me a new perspective and a deep sense of gratitude.

At long last, after about two hours, I could tell his breaths were long and deep enough that I could lay him down without any problem. As I walked him back to his room I kissed his warm little forehead and neck and told him I loved him. I closed his door and climbed back into my nice, warm bed...only to be woken up several more times in the night. This morning I am reminded of how hard it is to function normally without adequate sleep (my heart goes out to you mothers with newborns)! However I am also reminded of how blessed I am to be a mom. No one actually ENJOYS not getting sleep. It's actually quite the opposite. But the snuggles and love I was able to give and receive were what made me grateful.

Motherhood is a beautiful gift that I am determined to not take for granted even with all of the long days and sleepless nights that come along with it.

I am not a runner.

I've always hated running. I don't remember much about the days when we had our mile run in elementary school, but I do remember the absolute pure anxiety and stress that I felt during those days. I made myself physically sick and would beg my mom to let me stay home from school. It wasn't like staying home from school would get me out of having to run the mile, but it would at least postpone it for a day or two. My mom was wise in not letting me stay home and told me it was better to just get it over with so that I could stop worrying about it so much. I was always one of the last girls to cross the finish line. I knew the other boys and girls snickered behind my back (and sometimes to my face). It hurt. They didn't know what it was like to hate running as much as I did. They didn't have a body that was so uncoordinated it couldn't even put one foot in front of the other at a faster than walking pace. When I ran it felt like my entire body was shutting down one body part at a time. First my lungs, then my legs and it was all down hill from there.

Even though my body shutting down on me was bad, the worst part was my flushed face after the run. I've always struggled with blushing embarrassing shades of beet and raspberry reds. It's always a dead giveaway when I am uncomfortable or flustered. But it's even more red after a run. It was just as bad in jr. high and high school. So much for winning over any boys with how cute I looked while trying to be athletic. Finally by college I didn't have to ever run again if I didn't want to. And I didn't. Why voluntarily put myself through such torture?!

So, had you told my younger self that when I was 25 I would voluntarily sign up for a 5k I probably would have laughed in your face and said, "Good one."

But it's true. I really did. Just yesterday. And I am officially crazy. It was always sort of up in the air whether I was truly insane or not. But now there is no question. The last few weeks I have been running a mile here and a mile there. Wait, what? Did I seriously just type that? Who.. am.. I...? My brother has been a big motivator getting me into running. Him and my Nike+ app that is. The other night I ran two whole miles. The farthest I have ever ran in my entire life. It felt horrible, but so good. I had no idea my body was even capable of doing that. I ran another 1.8 miles just this morning. I have a long way to go to get up to 5k material before May 19th but I'm going to try my hardest.

The 5k I signed up for is the Running with Angels 5k walk/run they do here every year to raise money for a wonderful program called Angel Watch. Angel Watch provides information, support and comfort to parents whose babies have life-threatening or life-limiting conditions. I remember hearing about it soon after we lost Michael and having a desire to do it in his honor. Unfortunately we lived too far away, I was pregnant and was completely not in physical shape to do it. I happened upon it by chance yesterday and was so excited to see that it hadn't already passed for this year. I signed myself and my husband up. We started a team and have recruited my brother and sister-in-law so far. We will all be running in honor and remembrance of baby Michael (hence the name "Team Baby Michael). I am terrified and excited all at the same time. Donate, come run with us or come watch. I'll be the one killed over with the beet red face just 1/4 of the way into the race! Wish me luck.

Joy Cometh in the Morning

Tests and trials come to all of us. Sometimes we may ask ourselves, "Why?" This message answers that question and was so powerful I just had to share it! Happy Sunday.

Miracles do happen!

I am so happy to report that the Killpack family has been approved (how about a shout out to EMI for doing the right thing?!) and can now go forward with the Spina Bifida surgery for their daughter Maggie. I have been doing the happy dance ever since finding out the good news and can only imagine how they must be feeling!

Even though the insurance is going to cover the surgery, they are still required to cover a good portion themselves. For the next month 100% of proceeds from my design shop Simply Yours Designs will be going towards this sweet baby girl and her family. If you aren't in need of a design I have set up a donate button on the site where you can donate any amount. Every little bit will help! Also, their extended family has set up a donation site where you can donate anonymously. Thank you to all who have been so supportive!